Defining "Pervert"

Just when I was wondering if I’d blogged about everything I could blog about, it was brought to my attention that the definition of “pervert” could use some consideration. It is a word that you get slapped with at a moment when words are the LAST thing on your mind. It seems to be the downer that follows certain types of brief euphoric experiences.

Random example, just to make sure we’re all on the same page here: A woman wearing a low cut top bends over & reveals what kind of bra she is NOT wearing. For a few moments (at least, I THINK it’s just a few moments) time slows down to where it SEEMS like an HOUR & all sounds go muffled. We spend some time thanking God for semi-photographic memory & then maybe, I don’t know, we start wondering how, if gravity would glitch temporarily & start going on-off-on-off-on-off really fast, what kind of visual effect would incur. (The reader is begged to appreciate that this is as close to “getting the heavenly vision” as some people will ever GET. Thank you for your comprehension.) THEN the lovely creature stands up, looks you straight in the eyes with her own bewitchingly beautiful brown…BAM! All goes blank. You don’t REALLY mind the stinging on your left cheek SO much because you’re a little too busy being confused about the sound resonating in your still functional ear. “PERVERT!” (End of random example.)

As a man with a driving & powerful Internet connection I tend to revert to just looking words like this up. It’s usually pretty simple. There are plenty of good dictionaries out there, written by clever people who should know ALL ABOUT these sorts of things. This SHOULD be EDUCATIONAL! If THIS is how women see me, I--I definitely want to know what it MEANS!

Definition number one: A noun. How nice, I suppose that fits me so far. A person who practices sexual perversion YOU WISH…

Or…I wish? Or I wish that SHE’d wish that I…never mind.

Definition number two. Also a noun. A person who is perverted. WHAT? How did she KNOW? Granted, as Jeremiah said, the heart of man IS DESPERATELY wicked, sure. Who can know it? But hang on a sec. Perverted from what? (Jer.9:17) Put it this way: IF I WAS as pure as the birds of the air & the beast of the field, FRESH from the creative hand of our loving God, I would have found that wench grazing under a tree, taken her from behind &, quite probably, pumped her full of every ounce of masculinity which her naked form could inspire from me.

So, what EXACTLY is she saying? Was that an accusation for my unnatural practice of denial? Well then, she would have done well to slap me harder. Maybe I would have snapped out of it & given it to her. She SHOULD be on her knees with a praise on her lips that she’s not on her knees with something ELSE up her lips.

Definition number three. (Yes, still a noun.) ”A person who has a perversion.“ Ah, okaaay! Well, well, well. I’ll tell them what I told that impertinent bottle of beer that tried to call me an alcoholic just for LOOKING at it. I said (and don’t get me wrong, I normally NEVER talk to beer bottles) “If I’m a pervert for looking at YOU…then that makes…YOU a PERVERSION!” Yeah, suck one that one for a while whilst I go re-drape myself in the garments of my long lost dignity. After an entire post-pubescent life in demoralising condemnation, it was THIER fault all along.

Unless, of course, they meant it in the imperative form, according to definition number four, as a verb instead of a noun. But IF that IS what you were saying, then it behooves you to be more faithful to PUT THE STRESS ON THE SECOND SYLLABLE. Like this: per-VERT. Get it? Per-VERT. Not PER-vert. Ok? Ok. Were they trying to tell us “to pervert” or to “stray morally”? Perhaps they’re invoking this command in the hopes that…we’ll eventually take to gawking at porn…or sheep? Or other men? I’m grasping for other logics to explain this possible alternative use of the word—EVEN though I already KNOW that looking for logic is supposed to be one of “the big No-Nos” when trying to understand women.

Oh wait. There’s another option: Is it, I dunno, POSSIBLE that this reproachful outburst could be the women berating THEMSELVES for their own dirty little thoughts? Nah? I didn’t think so.

So that brings me to the part of the post where I invent some new definition that makes everything fit together. I was going to re-categorise it as an interjection, “denoting embarrassment at being caught inducing sexual intentions in members of the opposite sex” blah, blah, blah. But you know what? This word already HAS several, perfectly good, definitions. It’s not the fault of the English language that the woman whose skirt just flew up suddenly starts blurting out words she doesn’t know the definition of. Is it? Invent your OWN word.

OR just try to be HAPPY that guys still look.