Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Is "Awesomest" a real word?

Thrown Together Productions
a Weekend Activity entertainment.

Music, lyrics, performance & video editing by MEEEE...Camera work by Angelique, the little sister of Agnes, to whom this song is dedicated.

Special thanks to Patrick, for his little nylon guitar, Celeste & Angelique for...the props & everybody who cooked, did dishes & watched the kids while I sat around scheming & creating.

Oh yeah, & everyone that passed by & giggled at my work, giving me faith to persevere.

I'd also like to thank God & my mother...nah, just kidding. But seriously, if I don't give the Lord His credit He might not grant me another one (& I REALLY want another one.) PTL.

Saturday, 5 September 2009

Offensive Showbiz

I'll admit I've had wittier posts. I'm not sure why I thought this was funny. I guess the moral of the story is: When you're tired go to bed, don't go to your computer & try to blog.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Disclaimers & Apologies

...opening with a pic of me from our trip to the beach. I was playing with the sand & Agnes didn't want me to burn my scalp so...hence the cute red thing. I would have included a pic of her too except she was now topless.

Ok, on with it now. First of all I should say that EVEN I don't believe EVERYTHING I say, so don't feel like I necessarily NEED you to agree. Sometimes it's just to make you laugh. Sometimes it's just to take this piss out of you or get frenzied feedback & comments on my blog.

That said, I should confess a thing or two about myself (specifically regarding my post on "Women Talk" below):

Although you'd THINK that at my age I'd know how to flirt maturely--with poetry, song & a suave manliness, I'm still a bit of a 10yr old boy on the inside & all I KNOW how to do is tug on the girls' ponytails & pull up their skirts. Sorry, that's all I got.

Now, add to that that MOST of girls I want the attention of are mothers. Doesn't making a harmlessly offensive assessment of their social practices seem like a brilliant solution for someone in my position? It's how one thinks outside of the box when the box is the very thing you're thinking to speak.

Women Talk

Disclaimer: I have already been informed that this is probably one of the worst pieces I've ever written, but feel free to pile it on. Oh, & any resemblances the characters in this article may bear to specific REAL people (beside myself) are a pure coincidence of stereotype. (Full disclaimer coming in a future post.)

We have a small dining room in our kitchen so it often happens that I’m doing the lunch dishes while the girls have their tea/coffee time &, especially when we have other girl visitors, the girl-talk conversation INEVITABLY wonders to a conference of pregnancy/childbirth testimonials. It’s like a time of feminine solidarity, a bonding activity that brings together women of all ages & walks of life & unites them around this common adventure that they, either have or yet will, embark upon toward the propagation of humanity.

Now I’m not one of those guys that turn green & leave the room at the mention of…you know, mucus plugs, bloody tampons, un-dilated cervix' & tearing... To the contrary, as long as it’s not housewife gossip & soap operas, I find MOST forms of girl talk quite fascinating because you get to hear how girls relate to other girls (it’s almost educational). And honestly, what girl TRIES to make herself sound grosser than she HAS to be in her own story? Truth be told, I’d sooner overhear that than a two hour discussion on cars & sports.

Now, at first I used to think it was normal & natural that if you’ve spent nine months with a perfect stranger in your tummy & then spent the better part of a day squeezing it out of a hole that was pretty much just designed for sticking things INTO, you WOULD have a tendency to want to talk about it a lot at any opportunity & to anyone who will listen. Granted.

But, you know, you do lunch dishes often enough & you start noticing strange conversational patterns recurring. For example, in most NORMAL conversations the comments are triggered by the previous comments, right? Whether it’s contradicting it or agreeing, answering or denying, adding information or adjusting it with a different objective, every contribution is built on the preceding ones, & we call it a conversation.

NOT SO with the preggy talk, no. When mothers converse (or should we say “air their collective experiences”) one of them will go on for as long as seems polite & then let the next girl have a go & so on. And when it’s her turn again she’ll simply continue her story where she left off, like episodes of a TV series that have nothing to do with the other series other than sharing air time on your TV. At least that’s how it SUPPOSED to work! Cuz when one of them ACCIDENTLY slips back into a normal conversational pattern (& some of them do that a lot), her contribution is immediately resented & she won’t get invited to tea next time.


For example, if girl number three says, “I was in labour for a whole day!” & then girl number one or two (who just HAD their turn) adds, in a normal conversational manner, “Oh that must have been terrible, I was in labour for 36 hours, so I know how it feels…” the unspoken energy in the room will be “Hey, what’s with that? Despite the shroud of sympathetic pleasantry, you’re just cutting in the queue to trump MY story with your extra 8 hours & undermine my degree of martyrdom! Wh…why would you do that? Why?”

Not that it actually MATTERS because, according to my theory (which is still in the refining stage), they’re not even actually LISTENING to the other women’s story. No, while ONE of them is talking, what the rest are ACTUALLY doing is keeping tabs on the windows in the conversation. You know what I mean? When is the appropriate time to cut off the current speaker & who’s turn is it to do so? Does the one speaking feel that she is getting sufficient respect & support out of our time together or should we ask little questions about her story to show interest & help her feel that it’s all about her?

It’s a delicate balance that many men may never understand or fully appreciate, but it serves a double purpose. Firstly, not listening to the other’s stories allows them, as I said, to concentrate on making this time satisfying & mutually rewarding for all the pain, nausea & sacrifice that has wrenched each of these women out of the cocoon of girlhood into motherhood through one or more traumatizing experiences. Secondly, if you KNOW the other girls aren’t listening to your story, well then it means it’ll be JUST as exciting when you get to tell it to them again tomorrow.

But that's just a dishwasher's theory.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Happy Birthday Agnes

I had this other post all ready to submit to my blog, which I was gonna do today when I realised that I hadn’t posted in SO long that if I finally DID post on Agnes’ birthday it should probably be about her. Posting for people on their birthday is not really something I’ve ever done, but according to Nicole, it’s starting to be considered bad cyber manners. And one’s girlfriend seems to be as good a person to start with as any. So the other post’ll just have to wait.

What I like most about her is her very particular brand of being feminine. It's everything a father should warn his son of, but in a good way. She lets me be the stronger sex & just when I feel I won, I get this feeling like I'm a kid whose teacher just tricked him out of not standing in the corner...I need to feel strong & she lets me. And that takes incredible strength. She has strength to serve when I wish she'd just come & be lazy with me. She lets me rant when I'm angry & when I've outdone myself she says, "Ok Michael, now stop being silly"...& then it stops. She's the reason I have a passion about the things I do & why I so want to succede, cuz when she's proud of me it makes everything all better. So I need to be VERY careful about which photo I put up here or I'm not getting ANY tonight.

Friday, 5 June 2009

Recession-proofing your lifestyle!

Money is like women: Everyone wants lots of it & even though no one really understands how it works, if you can grasp some basic principles, it’ll make your life a LOT less complicated. And did you ever notice that those who get some are often the ones who ALREADY HAVE some? Then there’s the misconception that if you keep groveling they’ll eventually put out, but maybe that’s what Jesus was talking about when He said (referring to money & possessions), “Make the kingdom of God your priority & all these other things will be added to you!” ‘Cuz in reality, it’s only when you start getting interested in something else that they feel they need to start flaunting their stuff.
This recent recession might be like a bit of a dry spell for you, or maybe you were NEVER much of a Don Juan with Lady Luck & Mistress Mammon (ancient god of money) who, ironically seem to enjoy flashing their goodies but never let you touch. Well, here are a couple tips that might really slap’em where it hurts.
Faith. We are finding that that’s ALL our economy is made of! Just like women seem to be able to smell a lack of confidence, all this fear & media-hype about recession is probably half its cause! In our enlightened, God-independent, sophisticated culture we’ve opted for a faith that we could see, hold in our hands & stick in our wallets—a religion upon which we could all agree & which could unite us. Fairy tales & superstition is for the children, right? And now we’re finding out that those pieces of paper for which we slaved & all those one’s & zeros we put our faith in were but a hoax devised by the economic high priests who have the masses high & horny on Viagra credit & worshipping in their commercial temples.
What fools these mortals be!
Hope. We need to start putting our eggs in different baskets. We don’t want to make financial mayhem but there must be other ways to invest our time, energy, passion & effort. Are we really living life? Do we spend time to help our neighbor—to let him know you’ll be there in hard times & to know that he’ll be there for you? When was the last time we thought about the value that lies in a child—so busy with the next paycheck that we’ve forgotten the hope of our future?
Love. Here’s how women are NOT like money: Everybody needs love. It’s what everybody’s dying for. Money is the dead math made to fill the void in the heart of every boy AND girl--& the God we forgot about is waiting for a chance to fill it with the power of love that made the universe. He’s trying to flirt with YOU & get YOUR attention & He’s kind of hoping that after getting screwed over by Mammon, you’ll give Him a second chance to win your heart! He sent Jesus to give His life to pay for the greatest gift a lover could give: eternal life together, with joy & love & no more fear. He’s ringing the doorbell of your heart & waiting for you to answer. He’s on one knee waiting for you to say “yes”. Won’t you do it now?

Monday, 30 March 2009

Whither Shall I Go?

‘Cuz I know that a lot of people are wondering what the hell we were thinking.

It’s a classic Family Song by “Ruth Selah” inspired from Psalm 139 (verses 7-9 particularly), used to be my dad’s favorite & was consequently one of the first songs I ever learned to play on guitar (at the tender age of 8) with it’s simple, basic chords (D, A & Em) second ONLY to “I’m In Love With Jesus” (with it’s even LESS demanding chord structure of D & A).

WHY, then, would we deliberately go out of our way to complicate the chords, muck up the melody & throw this minor gimmick all over the place? I‘ve gotta say, it DID used to be this sweet sort of song about how the Lord will always be there beside us no matter what we go through, so HOW does Metanoya get off turning it into this distressful sounding song like we always seem come out with?
If you weren’t already asking yourself this question, I’m sorry for ruining it for you.

However, IF you’re a more purist appreciator of Family classics, probably thinking that that’s the just only kind of music we know how to make, or we just wouldn’t think it was cool if we couldn’t put a semi depressive twist on a song regardless of what it’s about (no doubt due to some negative spiritual influence we’re being oppressed by) THEN you might find this explanation interesting:

If you look at this passage, as I said above, as a sweet reassurance that God will always be there beside us as a support & comforter, then the rather disturbed feeling we put into the arrangement might seem quite inappropriate. But what I was trying to portray in our rendition was the story of a soul who was TRYING to flee God’s presence. There have been times in my life when I just WISHED God’s voice would shut up & give me a break—you know, when our Heavenly Father sometimes comes across as a nagging mother? But He had mercy on me & wouldn’t let me go.

I am humbled by the thought of some who have gone before me, better men than I, who fell by the wayside of God’s blessing by straying from His Will. And I can only thank the Lord that He has not yet let me weasel out from underneath the crushing millstone of the conviction of His Holy Spirit.

Read the chapter again in this light & imagine toying with the prospect of descending into the depths of the sea, making your bed in hell & thinking that the darkness could hide you. Then realizing that wherever you run there will always be...that voice.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Suggestive Rhyme

I was going through some archives on my computer & found this old poem I wrote. You kind of have to read it out loud & with the right rhythm or it doesn't work.

When a word's well rhymed
It can play with your mind
And plunge you in wild reflection
If I fail to tame it
I beg you to blame it
On my relentless, throbbing er...upting headache

My art, don't diss it.
If you find it explicit,
Well, that's just the difference between us:
I don't deserve
To be labled a perve
For exibiting my short, hardy p...oem

You, however
Have issues to wether
Your head is outlandish & corny
And you're getting all fired
And a little bit wired
Just 'cause I'm so helplessly hor...rible at rhyming

Unto the pure
All things will be pure
Like those eggs they're eating at China
But thay can't say it's wrong
To be more turned on
By your wife's hot, waiting v...ery yummy spaghetti

My verses have style
They've made people smile
I recite them for parties & guests.
They suck, but who damns?
It works well with the fans
I get blown by the ones with large b...lades

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Happy Birthday Me

33. When I turned 30 I swelled on the glorious realisation that I was at the age of Christ when He started His ministry. The sky was the limit & there were no Alps...

Now I'm at the age where Christ died.

EVEN HE had done it all by the time He got to where I am now & HE didn't even have an email address. I guess the way to look at it would be "33, the age at which Christ conquered death". Now all I have to do is find something approximately as impressive but maybe more within my talent range. Any Ideas? My Dad suggested AVOIDING death. Good one, good one. Anyone else?

Monday, 16 February 2009

Levons Nos Verres

It's way better if you view it in HD (Press play & then mouse over the button all the way on the right. There'll be a drop up menu. Select "HD"). I'm still trying to figure out how to get decent quality results for non HD videos on YouTube, but for now...enjoy?

For a little-closer-to-decent quality ckick HERE
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